Dont look back at this crumbling fool, just take it all with my love.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snU9vQNOkHw&feature=related

What would you ask if you had just one question????

Passed my exam today, now fully acredited motability sales executive :-), now i relax, polish my shoes like a soldiers boots refreshed ready for tomorrows day, no day off this week now , there you go, now i relax  after a bath with some of my soppy music, night

Day 1

Well i guess i lightened up a little in my little world, after a new low on saturday, went out drinking and didnt stop until i basically could not remember why i was so sad, and for that night it was ok, but after a long day spent in bed on sunday i had plenty of time to wonder why am i so hard on myself for something i cannot control, so although i will always wish, and dream what i could have had, if only.

 "why do we fall? so we learn to pick ourselves up"

I need to keep remembering this

So today, refreshed with a new attitude i enjoyed work, plus i got my new car so not all that bad, tomorrow training and a chance to try the new car

That day in London, i remember it like yesterday.

It was only the second time i had met you after our crazy meeting, phoning in sick at work, all theat nervous anticipation waiting, i stand on the platform with my stomach twisted in knots as i cannot wait til i get to see that smile again, im sick with nerves but my heart is racing.

And as i wait in the station in London the phone rings, it is you, and the you appear, just as i remember, those incredible brown eyes, something i will never forget.

i try to think of something cool but probably just mumble some random rubbish hoping you dont think who is this random, but it comes easy, you know thinking back we walked around London for 5 hours, and i still cant remember what we talked about, i know we talked a lot, and laughed a lot but conversation wise, not so sure, family, life, it was the usual stuff but it never got boring, it was easy, comfortable, and that is not like me, i am awkward, shy and that day i just enjoyed the fun, the museum with the aztec dancing, the fact i pretend i understand evey word you say when really i just try to piece words togeather, trying to explain km, miles, inches and feet, i dont think you ever got that, the photos, the starbucks and "my cookie", the hours just seemed to fly by without even a thought of im tired or when should we head back.

London is on my doorstep but that day i enjoyed its beauty more than any time before, we stop at the fountains at Trafalgar square and make a wish, seeing as mine never came true i guess i can say it, it was that everyday i woke up would be that morning, those nerves, that feeling when i see you again, for me it was perfect, as we walk and talk you reveal that your stay in London is cut short and will soon leave, my heart sank, even though i new nothing about you i wanted you in my life, my own diamond in the rough, it was a strange feeling, surely not love? in one day? all i knew was all i could think of was how many times i would get to see you before you went

We head back to your room and after some time togeather you know somehow how i feel, you can read my mind, after an amazing kiss i am speechless and you say "im sorry if i ever hurt you", and im not sure how to take it, strange thing to say but in time i get it, you must have known how i felt even if i said nothing, and you know to this day even if you think i am mad at you, i am not, because you had already apologised, im just mad at myself, the i think why should i be mad, i fell in love and she didnt feel the same, what is so wrong with that, that is just life i guess.

Perhaps it is greedy to wish i could have that day over and over, when i had the best day once, is that not enough, i wont forget it so i dont need it every day.

You left one month later, after a few more meetings, each time it was hard to say goodbye, if i had my way you would have never left but i understand you have your life to live, i just wish i was a bigger part, only once since you left have i felt that you could feel something for me, it was a magic feeling but i wasnt sure what to do, if someone would have handed me a plane ticket that second i would have been by your side instantly, March 3rd was the last time you were before my eyes, is it really 6 months gone, we used to talk every night, talking shit but as long as i knew you were ok i was happy.

You would let things slip, about guys and nights out, im not sure you knew how much it hurt sometimes, or how powerless i felt not being able to protect you from so far away, you fall asleep at the computer and i watch as you fall asleep, hours pass and yet i just watch.

I tell you time and time again how i feel, perhaps i am not being fair on you, you think im trying to make you feel something, thing is i know there is something there between us, its just not the time for you, but i cant help how i feel, and i never make no apologies for being honest with you.

Then comes the turning point, i say
"you know its just seeing you right that means that i will never be that guy for you, we have talked no stop for 7 months now, i fell in love in London, believe me it has never happened before, but i cant help how i feel. And i understand you will meet other guys, and its like im jealous but only because they get to be around you, you see you are always in my mind, and i know once you got to university you will meet a guy because you are amazing, but i will always wish i could be that guy, that i could have been enough for you.  I am mad at myself for letting my heart rule my head but thats you, and i cant get you back, its so unfair to meet you then you have to go.  I am not stupid, i know you dont feel anything for me but i have always hoped.  You see me reading how you want to find someone and fall in love my heart sank, because i already have, it doesnt matter to me your in a different country, love is love.  And i dont have the answer to what i should do, pretend that i just want to be friend NO, hope you could one day feel something YOU WONT, just let you go? there is no happy outcome for me, perhaps im being selfish, probably.  what do i do???? tell me..."

and the answer says it all, because there was no reply, and even though we still speak, its not the same, guess it just made me realise that i am never going to win this one, sometimes everything is still not enough and thats ok, i wish it could be different, she could say the word and i would be by her side, nothing would make me happier but it will never be, and i realise i need to start to deal with that, it is hard to start  to say goodbye to someone you love, especially since there was no wrong done, no fight or argument, perhaps just lesson learnt, i delete my facebook becuase constant pictures of her makes me sad, and all the male attention makes me jeulous, but not in the usual way, but just because they are getting to spend time with someone i hold so close in my heart.

Perhaps in starting this blog i still have much to say, still have hope that one day i will see those eyes again, but for now it is just somewhere i can just release some things from my chest, therapy i guess, because weeks and weeks of the silence and she is still on my mind, like a cloud over me, dont get me wrong i am not trying to forget her, she is one of the most important, and special people in my life who i would do anyhting for but for now she does not need my love, she needs space to become the beautiful person she will flower into, and it is a shame if with my words i have made things more difficult for her, i never mean any harm to her, but i have regret in my life and with her i never wanted to regret not saying how i felt and how real and alive she made me feel, if only for a short time, its like she woke something up inside of me, made me ralise what was missing for my life, only to leave and leave this huge void for me to not be able to fill.

Simply that is what is so difficult for me, sure i can find a prety girl, who makes me laugh but i will never find one who changed me quite the same again, that is why i think i cant let go, because what if i never find it again??

Funny thing is as i write this you message me on skype after what feels like weeks of no contact
"Benny, miss u"

and i cannot help but smile, every part of me wants to call, to see that smile but i resist, i think i just have to let you fly, you never know one day you may just appreciate the guy who would give it all to you, because that is all you could want, i guess we will just have to wait and see, she doesnt know i started a blog, i follow in her footsteps, but she writes of happiness and fun, i write about her, i have never made it into her blog, guess thats just how it is, and i will end with how i always end a message to you

All my love, always, your Ben x

We may not talk so much, but dont ever think i dont care the same as before, i just want you to be happy, and if you cant be with me, then i wish you all the best x

I am going to make a prediction, it could go either way

Super stressy day at work today, you know work should just not be this hard, it leaves me with a sore head by the end of the day, and after 11 hours work i leave work with a longer list than when i came in, how can that happen???? but at least it gives me less time to think, life can get a little cloudy, foggy, misted, when you take your eye off what is important, you cant always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you will get what you need, love to live, not live to love

I have just had a terrible thought, what if i cant stop missing you????

This has just dawned on me, what if i cant forget you, where does this leave me, in a week, month, year.

I am trying, for both our sakes, you do not want to see and hear me unhappy even though you know it too be true, but what if a cannot let you go, i listen to Will Young Jealousy, kinda speaks to me at the moment

Remember, i am just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking if she could love him..

I started this blog because i just want somewhere to write how life is for me, that to most i seem happy, content and fine, but you know its not fine, there i a whole in my life where someone has left, i have this constant empty dull feeling, that i carry around, and i cannot do anything about it.
Maybe my problem is insignificant to others, however this is my problem, i delete my facebook because it was a way i could express myself, but of late its all a bit dark, those closest to me see it, they can tell when they look into my eyes, i cant pretend that its just all fine, most people dont even know of her, they would think someone usually so level headed and calm would make the mistake of loving someone who would never be mine, i wish it was enough to offer someone everything you have, every part of you, but maybe if you offer someone everything than what do you keep for yourself.
Maybe it is a learning curve but right now it an aching pain inside, and yet i have to have a constant smile, a constant everything great attitude, i may fool some but i cannot fool myself, and i really have no idea which road to take, because i could never say goodbye to her, she is too precious, too important, someone who i would fly across the world to have a cookie and starbucks with and sit on a park bench and not even talk, im not sure what to say to her at the moment anyway, i love to hear from her, but i can not imagine my heart will ever let me believe that i want to be friends, as James Morrison sang "love is hard"

Is it crazy to feel like you lost something that was never yours to loose??

You know, you can do all you can to try to put things out of your mind, but honestly, if it doesnt want to leave, there is a reason for it, so i just carry on with my daily routine, work, eat sleep, think, although working silly long hours with a new job can help.
I want nothing else than happyness, why is it so hard to find, i realise that it should not be up to others to be happy but right now i feel that it is the one thing that is missing, its all i am looking for to complete the puzzle, and when you find the missing piece only to loose it down the sofa all that work seems not to be worth it, why try in the first place.
This phase will pass, i will let it go at some point but for now its to much of a part of me.
They say that in the end it will work out fine, if its not fine then its not the end, i hope its fine sooner than later

Life in not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breathe away....

I recently had to take an personality assesment test at work, it showed whilst i have high levels of expectation and drive, i am also less than happy and am more of a half glass empty guy than half full.
Now i know why but i whatever i could do it doesnt matter, because my happyness for now is not in my hands, its in someone elses heart, you have no idea how frustrating it is for someone who likes control of situations to just flap around in the wind, waiting for something that will never be mine, yet i am still waiting, why i ask myself sometimes, because i think i could wait forever for what i once found.

Its funny with all the things to want in the world, i only want the simple things